‘I feel like a loser’

So there I was, after having a melt down a few weeks maybe a month after coming out of hospital with my first and the scariest flare up.

I was sat In-front of  a counselor, and I remember the first question she ever asked me..  ‘how are you feeling’ and my reply, was simply that I felt like a loser. Yes a big fat loser, a weak person. Because before I became Ill I didn’t believe in counselling, how ignorant was that? But the 8 weeks of counselling had been the best thing I’ve ever done.

It was just a normal day where me and my partner Conor went for a drive in my car around the sea front, I was currently slowing coming off prednisolone but was still on a massive dose. We pulled over to take in the scenery when all of a sudden I had a massive melt down… I mean I was holding this in ever since I came out of hospital, I went crazy. Conor well… he didn’t know how to control me, he was so upset seeing me in such a state. I think the mix of the prednisolone and my emotions I had just bottled up just got the better of me. I was slowly becoming more and more depressed trying to get my head around what I had been through In hospital, It just all hit me at once. Conor who was my rock, helped me massively and understood I needed professional help, someone who didn’t know me to help me come to grips with everything I was struggling with.

That first counselling session I hid in my shell protecting myself, I was in denial and acted like nothing was wrong. I walked out of there thinking why am I even doing this? This is for weak-minded people (another ignorant bone headed view)

My second session was a lot different, I spent the whole time expressing to the counselor how much it angered me having this illness when some take their health for granted. I just couldn’t get my head around how I was diagnosed In September with an Illness I didn’t yet understand to then end up in hospital a month later which still to this day makes me emotional thinking about it.

Not many people know I’ve had counselling, I normally put on a front and act like everything Is ok, but sometimes I feel so alone, sharing all this with you Is just another massive step Into accepting my illness. Yes I’ve had counseling and NO im not a loser, we all go through tough times with IBD and It’s ok to let off some steam. I learnt so much about myself In the 8 sessions I had, I’ve taken all the advice In and I still use certain techniques In my day-to-day life to help me stay as positive as I can.

Keep fighting IBDer’s x

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