16 awkwardly funny things which will happen after Ileostomy surgery

1. It will take you FOR EVER to change your bag, I mean seriously I timed myself at 6 weeks post op… 18minutes… what was I even doing?

2. Aswell as adjusting to living with a bag you also have to give yourself time to heal.. so don’t try dancing to the latest hits… I know you feel well now your horrid colon is out… but trust me don’t do it.

3. Believing that if you put too much pressure on the bag it will pop… trust me, one of my biggest fears! Haha

4. Buying a whole new wardrobe and using ‘you have no bowel’ as an excuse to your parents, partner and yourself ! Now I’m skint..

5. I don’t know if its just me… or did anyone else find it fascinating watching your stoma poop… ? Tbh i still do this haha

6. You will name your Stoma, I have named my ‘Dory’ well.. I didn’t my step dad and mum did!! Now when Dory farts they can curse at her not me 😉

7. Talking of farts…. yes we do still kinda fart.. (obviously not out of our butts) and the 1st couple of weeks post op your stoma will give it some! its pretty funny, its the element of surprise I find amusing

8. People will ask awkward questions, its ok, they don’t have a clue… at one stage we didn’t either! Best explanation ‘i now poop in this bag’ keep it simple I say 😉

9. You will get some people who talk to your stomach… like im sure Dory loves the attention but mate… its 2015 these ileostomy bags are made to appear invisible under clothing.. please stop.

10. The family member who can’t seem to get gasp of the reason why you had the surgery even after explaining it 20 times … ‘my body was attacking my bowel…’ fuck it I give up, I have a bag deal with it ! I AM..

11. Trying to figure out what all the products are… like ‘washers’ this sounds to me like something you use to ‘wash’ your stoma with … NO its a moldable ring that looks like a doughnut!? Wtf…. MIND IS CONFUSED

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12. trying to bend over without squashing your stoma… just stop it and squash it, don’t give yourself Back ache… the stoma can deal with alot of shit… no pun intended.

13.  Everytime you seat down or stand up you end up feeling yourself up to check its still there… In public you will get some strange looks 😉

14. Poking around to check that your stoma hasn’t gone underneath the bag….

15. Spraying so much before and after emptying you’ve probably going to develop asthma …. my lungs smell like Impluse.

16. Becoming blocked and thinking… like seriously I had my colon removed because I couldn’t stop … now I can’t start … WHY just WHYYYY!

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